Last December 8, 2013 I blogged about learning the conditions of my reproductive organs and the surgery I will undergo. Then on December 1, 2014, I posted about the recurrence of the blockage in my right fallopian tube nine months after I underwent that surgery. I was then advised to pray that I should conceive not later than February 2015 or else, dysmennorhea may thicken my uterus lining again (thus, worsening my endometriosis and adenomyosis) and may even welcome again the chocolate cysts in my right ovary.
Series of ultrasound are done to monitor my follicle development and I was given much hope whenever I am positive for follicles with or without the help of Letrozole. I was advised to take Mefenamic or Ibuprofen to minimize if not eradicate the pain during menstruation. And even though, month after month I was undergoing the cycle of hope and disappointment, GOD's grace envelopes my heart all throughout. Thank GOD I am His child and I have the Father in heaven who is ever there to soothe my heart when it encounters raging storms.
Tonight is different from my previous experiences. Usually, two days before my menstruation, I am warned by dysmenorrhea. I usually have my period on my 27th or 28th day of my cycle. And for this month, on my 26th, I was already anxious of what would happen on my 27th. I experienced nothing. I was not sure whether I should be happy or not. Morning of my 28th, still nothing. And here comes around lunchtime, I called my husband for a pain I felt and when I got home for lunch that time, there was already some little spotting. So I prepared myself for another period.
However, no more blood flowed after that spotting. Though there was this minimal pain, I don't know whether I already need to take med or the spotting was not menstruation (ma-feeling me). On my 29th, today, I experienced the worst dysmenorrhea I ever had. This pain actually accompanies me while I'm penning this.
Tomorrow is February 28, the last day of February and the deadline set by my OB-Gyn for conception. I don't know what awaits me for tomorrow. I haven't seen my OB for almost two months and I don't even have an idea of her next move. And this pain triggers my heart to fear what could be happening inside my uterus, tubes and ovaries at this moment.
There are too many "what if's" my mind is composing now. I remembered a prayer I uttered during the early morning of my 28th: "If this is it, Lord, I am too excited on how will I thank you. Maybe I couldn't find my words to express my appreciation of you." This prayer was uttered with imagination of massaging my tummy lightly.
And tonight, GOD has put a new prayer in my heart: "Whatever is the lot You will give me, LORD, I don't want to wait for that gift in order for me to express an unspeakable gratitude and worship. May my heart learn to do that while I'm still waiting."
There are times I really do imagine the joy I will feel when I think of God blessing me. I even plan how I am going to glorify God and how I am going to testify to others about God's graciousness. Why wait for that time to come and why not develop that worship in anytime of the day and in any situation I am into?
Resolved therefore that I will worship God while I'm waiting:
and that I will always remind my heart to be still and know GOD (Psalm 46:10)
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