Yes...I am a Sinner and I Married a Sinner

I am torn between two men I love. I don't know to whom I will give my wholehearted devotion and affection. I went to Man 1 and though his face is blurry in my sight, I know I love him much. He looks at me affectionately and I know he loves me too. Suddenly he became too busy and it seems I am not there. I try to talk to him but he lifts his hand, "wait". He then changed his mood. I suddenly feel a pain in my heart as I see him in that scenario I do not want to see. I ran crying and I found myself to Man 2, I can't see his physique. He's crying with me, wiping my tears. With his touch and look at me I can feel his love. I love this man so much too. He is so gentle and I am secured in his arms. But I ran away still. Who am I going to choose? I  know I only love a man with my whole heart. How can I love two men? 

As I was running away, I looked behind me and I saw them both running after me. I am in great struggle, crying as I don't want to choose between them. They were drawing closer and closer to me. I still can't see who is who. Suddenly, when they were few steps away from me, I just saw them merged and there was my husband infront of me, offering his hands to lift me up. I struggled to open my eyes. IT WAS A DREAM. I looked at my cell phone (December 22, 4:06 am). 

I couldn't get my sleep back since then. The dream was like a video in my mind, it kept on playing. I found myself praying and asking GOD for His grace. The message was very clear to me. I love my husband, whether he is in good shape as I wanted him to be or he is in bad shape which I fear and don't like to see. I cannot deny the fact that eventhough he is at his worst, I still love him. 

That dream made me realized that I cannot separate those weakness of him from the strength I treasure in him. I then fear myself that I may not be able to complement him when those weaknesses appear. It has been my struggle how to show my appreciation of him despite his weaknesses. I am consumed by these thoughts that I really pray I will be enabled to show how I cherish him everyday and that since June 30 of 2012, I am blessed everyday because of him.

Yes, I am a sinner saved by grace and that is why on GOD's grace I solely depend. Seeing that I myself have my own weaknesses and fearing those weaknesses remind me of a book entitled "When Sinners Say 'I Do'". I haven't read the book yet (how I wish I have one) but I love how Sovereign Grace Ministries Store introduced it and this line is striking: "But realizing the truth about our sin points us to the glory of God’s grace and power to change us." Yes, we are sinners when we exchanged vows but we know that only through Christ can we be able to live everyday displaying GOD's glory in our marriage.

I am thankful that GOD uses many ways to assure me that He is with us in this marriage. I thank GOD how He corrects me of my possible separation of my husband's strength and weakness. I smile when I read this quote from Dave Harvey, “Could it be that God already knows you are sinners, yet gives you everything you need to build a thriving marriage anyway?” That's the grace of GOD. I am thankful that GOD wrote our love story and He is still writing our married life story.

I love my husband more than anyone. In order that I may love him in a way that glorifies God, C. S. Lewis taught me how: When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. And may GOD be glorified to increase my love of Him so I may love my husband all the more.

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While drafting this blog, my husband came home with a new tablet for me. He was thinking I am sad for my former tablet is not functioning anymore. I will write it here what I told you, Mahal: You are my treasure (next to GOD, of course) and I am happy being with you. Material things won't make me happy, you know it. GOD enables me that you will be the great source of my happiness and I will also love you increasingly until my last breath.

Husbands and wives, recognize that in marriage you have become one flesh. If you live for your private pleasure at the expense of your spouse, you are living against yourself and destroying your joy. But if you devote yourself with all your heart to the holy joy of your spouse, you will also be living for your joy and making a marriage after the image of Christ and His church. (John Piper)

Risks of my Intimacy with Unbelieving Friends

There are times when I feel the guilt of spending too much time with unbelievers and I can't have the guts to share the gospel to them. I always ask myself: Why do I love to be with him/her/them? When we had our New Testament survey in I Corinthians when I was still a youth in my home church, I learned that the very reason that you are supposed to be mingling with unbelievers is the Great Commission. If you cannot share the gospel to them, do not be yoked with them as warned by Apostle Paul in II Corinthians 6:14.

It is unavoidable to have circle of friends in our workplaces or schools. It would even be a negative testimony if we would shun them and isolate ourselves. It is often a question of up to what extend should our friendship with them be. But that is not for me to answer in this blog, I will try to enumerate some effects of having friendship with the unbelievers and the answer to our question will be answered by you yourself.

(NOTE: I don't want to impose a Pharisaic attitude here; I am also guilty of them most of the time.)

It degrades our standard of morality.

1 Corinthians 15:33 says that bad company corrupts good character. At first, their curses are stench to us. Their choice of words are unpleasant to our ears. Their topics when they converse  are alien to us. Eventually, we do curse even in our mind or even sometimes it just slips into our mouth.We communicate to them in their jargon and we know their up-to-date topics. We even sometimes lead the conversations. 

It lets us spend our time in unfruitful ways.

When I was in college, I enjoyed spending a vacant time in the woods to read a book or listen a song. Somehow, I am missing that solitude. Now I find myself, most of the time, spending vacant periods chatting with unbelieving friends. There is a very thin line between knowing the news or updates from colleagues to gossiping. I usually convince myself that I need to know what's happening in my community but sometimes I just catch myself gossiping already.

It shifts our attention away from our godly visions.

It is not only that actions and lifestyles are degraded. Even the high standards we have with our principles and convictions are compromised. Our GOD-entranced vision becomes patterned into this world. We lower our standards now and begin to love the things of this world. We may find ourselves adapting this world's definition of beauty that we forget to cultivate the inner beauty which is so precious to God (I Peter 3:3-4).

It changes our priorities.

We also change our priorities. The usual Bible/book reading becomes TV watching. Praying time becomes fb/chat/twitter/selfie/google plus/DOTA time. I also surf the net and I was rebuked on spending much time in it at night for instead of spending a quality time with my husband and with our GOD, I am there infront of the netbook. My pursuit of heavenly perspective is blurred by my pursuit to be "in" and be not left behind by my friends.

It affects our testimony.

Our testimony is also at stake. There are common sayings: "Tell me who your friends are ad I will tell you who you are." And "birds of the same feather, flock together." Not that true at all? "It depends upon the situations", you may say. Then how come that the Bible says, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3) 

Whether we face it or not, there will be eyes that may be looking up to us. How do we show that we are different from this world when we love to join the world?

Proverbs 12:26 says that the righteous choose their friends carefully. I am not into the position to judge you for having unbelieving friends, I also have mine. But I am reminding you as I ask the Lord to always remind me the level of intimacy I am supposed to give them. Heart check should also be frequently done so we will not be dragged easily into this world and not be enticed by its ways. But if we know that we are easily influenced by them, may be it is time to look for believers in your community. If you can't find one, ask the LORD to give you one.

A Blessed Night with Hubby

I and my beloved husband, Bernard, planned to go out and eat today. I thought it would be just like before, simple snacks (I was even imagining pizza because I miss it already).  What happened really put me into cloud nine. I feel so loved by GOD because of a husband like Nard.

First, I was shocked when he put on his long sleeves and tie. It was really unusual because we are used to casual clothes (often if we will dine just nearby, he wears simple shirt and shorts). I took a picture because I am really shocked; I thought he was just joking.

He looked perfectly nice. Actually, I changed clothes also because I felt so awkward being beside a very formal husband. He was teasing me when I got conscious with my dress.

We went into our wrangler and another unusual thing happened. He opened first the passenger seat's door for me and I was so surprised to see a bouquet of pink flowers (As far as I can remember, this is the very first flowers he bought for me. He knows that I am better moved by chocolates than flowers but chocolates are forbidden for me as of now.) He then took me to Casa Bella (the restaurant in our place that we so long wanted to visit).

It was our first time so we don't know what to order. We just laughed when our orders arrived and they were good for 4-5 persons. We don't know how to eat them all. We agreed to minimize eating rice so we can hopefully eat them all.

I could feel God's presence when hubby prayed. He indeed wrote this love story and the end of that story excites me more as He reveals His providence, guidance and workings in our lives as husband and wife. Pausing eating from time to time somehow gives us ample time to chat and talk about us. I miss that moment so much. Don't get me wrong because we do chat but seldom we talk with a romantic atmosphere. (hehehe) We ended that date with a takeout left-over (the steak) for we really can't have it anymore. We were so full.

This night is a night I want to be remembered not just as memorable because it is romantic. I am blogging this experience for the main reason why we are together is GOD alone. And His workings in us for the past years especially for the past days are very remarkable. In His grace we rely and His grace abounds in us.

I can feel the joy flowing in us as well as the love we have for each other because I can feel God's presence in us is so mighty and intimate. I will forever stand in awe whenever I reminisce how God worked all things together to put us together. In fact, as I am penning this blog post, he is drafting the Bible quiz questions for tomorrow's Family Day and we are joyfully sharing ideas and even laughing together at our slight memory loss in Bible trivias. 

May GOD be always pleased to keep our passion single and that as our hearts beat for each other, our hearts beat together more for the glory of GOD...alone. Hallelujah!

Still Waiting and Hoping...yet Praising GOD

image source: http://s1.hubimg.com/u/4950838_f520.jpg

Eleven months have passed since I penned this. I already underwent the laparoscopic surgery and the six-month GnRH therapy. And just last August, I underwent Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Test only to find out that the blockage in my right fallopian tube has recurred.

On my first monitoring cycle after my GnRH therapy (since during those months I stopped having my monthly period), still no follicle was found in my left ovary; instead, the OB-Gyne found a cystic follicle in my right. This follicle is larger than the normal and the moment I will have my period and will suffer dymenorrhea, it may again absorb some of the supposedly waste blood.

My OB-Gyne prescribed that I take Letrozole on my second cycle. On my 10th day, a small follicle in my left ovary (the healthy one) was found. According to my OB, it was still small because it was just my 10th day. Nonetheless, this small follicle has caused me and my husband greater joy and hope.

I had my ultrasound again last Saturday (day 17) but we need to wait for the next Saturday to meet my OB and explain the result. Analyzing it though on our own understanding and comparing the result from my previous ultrasound, there were many different results. I and my husband were left perplexed. I was worried and became anxiously waiting for Saturday. I struggled for nights because of "what if's" I created. I was hurt because of "what if's" I generated. Two sleep-deprived nights kept me seeking for the answer to "why me".

But thanks be to GOD for mending my hurt heart and filling my head with His Truth. I cannot explain the sudden change of my thoughts and feelings. It's just that GOD is so good to use varied ways to keep us on our knees and to draw us nearer unto Him. I also know that there are many people praying for me and I know that their prayers were heard. I thank GOD for these precious people He has given me and for those encouragements God gave me through them.

Now going back to the result...I still do not have the answer as of now. But I am now confident in my GOD that whatever lot He has given me, He has also taught me to sing, "It is well...It is well with my soul." Glory to GOD for His unfathomable grace and love.

If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea
If I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy
If I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound
If I am learning how to walk or when I'm falling down
I'm saying You are still my God, Still my God

In a world where so much seems uncertain
You remain hope for the strong and broken
No matter where we are; You are never far
And nothing changes who You are (Avalon, Still my God)