Fourteen Years of Grace

(Verse 1)

From that "yes" in Chowking, a simple start,

On June 30, 2012 we then tied that knot

Coffee mornings become part of our daily jive

A lifetime of love, praying to display Ephesians 5

We built up our shelves with books we adore

Sands and shells from travels to planning more

Through surprises and laughter, the years flew fast,

Building a bond that glorifies Christ

(Chorus)

Fourteen years of grace, fourteen years of us

In every little moment, in GOD we trust

Through the shifting tides and the changing days,

We offer this marriage in songs of praise

My partner in ministry, my constant guide,

With you, Mahal, forever by my side

(Verse 2)

Overtime hours during Brigada Eskwela

Serving together, in GLCC or SEPNAS pa

Reading the Word at the end of the day

Highlighting on time - this we pray

Now the diet is changing, the body grows weak

But it’s your gentle hand, the comfort I seek

When the mornings are painful, you carry me through

The strength in my weakness is found in you

(Bridge)

In the silent struggles, the heartaches we bear

Every hidden pain is kneeled down in prayer

Before the Lord’s altar, we lay it all down

In His faithful mercy, our blessings are found

We’ve weathered the storms, we’ve walked through the fire

To honor His calling is our one great desire

(Chorus)

Fourteen years of grace, fourteen years of us

In every little moment, in GOD we trust

Through the shifting tides and the changing days,

We offer this marriage in songs of praise

My partner in ministry, my constant guide,

With you, Mahal, forever by my side

(Outro)

Fourteen years later, by His grace we still stand

Walking by faith, will keep holding your hand

Happy 14th Anniversary, Mahal

Music here

You're my GODsend

I was independent but I don't wanna be alone

Prayers whispered every night in hushed tone

I thought I gave up longing, that I surrendered need

'Til GOD brought me to Chowking and planted a seed

You're my answered prayer, a blessing from above

A living testament of God's amazing care and love

He saw my heart's cry, He heard every plea

And wrapped up His grace when He gave me you, see?

You're my GODsend, Ytz and Toi in covenant so true

His love made real when He gave me you

In the way your hand fits in mine, strong and sure

In the patience you show when my spirit's impure

In the morning coffee steam, in the

 quiet night's end

I see the Father’s own heart, my husband, my bestfriend

You're my answered prayer, a blessing from above

A living testament of God's amazing care and love

He saw my heart's cry, He heard every plea

And wrapped up His grace when He gave me you, see?

You're my GODsend, Ytz and Toi in covenant so true

His love made real when He gave me you

This wasn't just chance, this wasn't just fate

This was the Author of Love opening the gate

Pouring out mercy I never deserved

Gifting a treasure my soul has prayed

Is heaven's own echo, a promise come through

His grace had a name when He gave me you

You're my answered prayer, a blessing from above

A living testament of God's amazing care and love

He saw my heart's cry, He heard every plea

And wrapped up His grace when He gave me you, see?

You're my GODsend, Ytz and Toi in covenant so true

His love made real when He gave me you

My GODsend

His love made real

My GODsend

Forever I'll feel

This grace... in you

Listen to the music here

A Meditation on God's Immutability

Of old you laid the foundation of the earth,

      and the heavens are the work of your hands.

They will perish, but you will remain;

      they will all wear out like a garment.

You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away,

      but you are the same, and your years have no end. (Psalm 102:25–27)

Since I became a Sunday schooler, I know that God is eternal and that He never changes. When I became a believer, I stand in awe of and delight in God's immutability. 

It is such a peace to know that God never regrets and draws back what He promised. It is such an assurance that nothing I do will ever change His love for me. It is such a stronghold that what God ordained in eternity past will never ever be shaken by what circumstances may arise along the way.

It has been a long time since I penned a meditation. And I want this one posted for future reference. If ever something like what I've been going through right now ever happens in the future, I want to read this. It may not be as soothing as it is doing now to me, but at least it will be a truth I can embrace.

There will be instances wherein God's steadfastness becomes sweeter to a bitter soul. It will be an anchor when doubts and sorrow flood you. It becomes a steady buckle when you go through bumpy roads.

When a covenant seems forgotten

Nothing is more painful than to be an invisible in a world you expect to be seen. Yes, there will be times when emotions got so overwhelming and tears made eyesight blurry. There will be times when burdens keep on pushing you down that getting up and carrying on seems impossible. 

There will be times when you pray someone would notice your defeated state and would somehow offer a hand to lift you up. You hope for someone to even lend ears and shoulders. There will be times that your whispered shouts for help are just like whistles of wind, they were unnoticed. It will be more painful if it comes from someone whom you rely to be always there for you.

When what little you have is still demanded.

You may be in a situation wherein you are just holding on a tiny thread and that thread is even asked from you. That life seems to be joyful to squeeze you dry. 

You will even be in a situation wherein you are asked to fight a battle when you can't even lift up your own sword to face your own struggle. Yes, life can be cruel like that.

When the world you thought you're living in crumbles.

Sometimes life will challenge you to either doubt your roles in life or maybe even see the reality of it until you realize that the world you thought you have is an illusion. In the eyes of someone whose hope is shattered, even how he sees his world becomes shaky. Disappointments keep piling up. Failures after failures are thrown upon your face. You will even question your place in this world, your role in somebody's life. 

Fighting this kind of battle is worse because you are facing your own fears...your own self. For others, you are just too emotional and dramatic. But there are struggles that tear down someone's insanity and world.

Who are responsible for these? Social media? Your own implications? Someone's insensitivity? Or it could be all of the above. It will be in any and all means should a child of God left destroyed.

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

Such a sweet note. 

Help me and remind me, Lord to lift my eyes to the hills and let me always see Your help. Don't let me be baffled by these earthly pressures. Let me know that You are always there.

God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? (Numbers 23:19)

Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. (Psalm 90:1–2)

It is my prayer that these Words be sculptured in my heart; that they will be pillars to hold on to when the ground becomes shaky again.

You are appreciated

Our tomorrows are full of ambiguity

But our GOD is the GOD of immutability 

So whatever may come along the way

I will hold your hand, glorifying God as I stay

The vow I made can be broken by me

If this is kept solely by this weak wifey

So everyday I depend on the grace of GOD

May He alone be glorified as you are loved 

In every way, Mahal you are appreciated

Because I trust the Hands who gifted

A husband and a bestfriend, my GODsend

I love you in this lifetime, 'til the end

(April 19, 2026; Husband's Appreciation Day)

"For...To" Reflections

"For not to us, not to us" was the battlecry you taught

"To the glory of GOD" became a banner for every war fought

For the witnessed countless scars and immeasurable tears of frustrations 

To the unfathomable outpouring in you of His unspeakable grace and interventions 

For the overlapping deadlines and tasks trying to kill your passion

To marvel from received simple gestures that rekindle your compassion

For those nerve-wracking preparations rendering you helpless

To those unbounded workings of the Spirit that leave us speechless

For those heartaches received from withered plant/s, dead fish and birds

To even piling collections of books with guilt of not reading even the thirds

For those planned vacations, projects and works that remained plans

To sudden long drives and getaways even we don't have spacious sedans

For even this poem you will find debatable why not use "from"

To me telling you this is just a style to pen my heart's hum

For I am always tongue-tied to see God working in your life

To that I will be forever thankful that God blessed me to be your wife

For...to

Four - two

Blessed 42nd, my beloved Best and GODsend

Ating Sariwain...Ikaw at Ako

 

Ating sariwain ang isang dekadang lumipas ng manumpa sa harapan ng Maykapal

Tandang-tanda pa ang kaibhan ng seremonya at paggayak na tayo'y animoy hangal

Ngunit ang puso natin ay hindi mapigilan sa iisang adhikain

Na ang Diyos lamang ang maging sentro sa pag-iisang dibdib natin.

 

Ating sariwain maraming tanong na hinarap sa mga parte ng tradisyon na ating inalis

'Pagkat simpleng ating asam na ang kaluwalhatian ng Diyos ay di nawa malihis

Kay sarap balikan ang metikulusong pagpaplano at "trial and error" na paghahanda;

Biyayang hindi natin mawari paano ba natin nairaos at matagumpay na naisagawa.

 

Ating sariwain ang ating unang pagbiyahe sa lugar na di natin kabisado

Nag-'commute' sa La Union na ang baon ay lakas ng loob at taimtim na pagsamo

Na ang ating mga paa ay mapadpad sa tamang lokasyon at ang Diyos ay maparangalan

Kay sarap alalahaning narating din natin ang Sunset Bay kahit wala pang Waze na sinandigan.

 

Ating sariwain unang paghihintay natin na tayo nawa ay pagkalooban ng anak

Tanda ko pa ang kaba at pangamba ng unang diagnosis ay ginuho ang galak

Isang dekada na rin natin itong hinaharap at idinudulog sa pananalangin at pagsamo

Salamat sa Diyos na Siya ang ating kasapatan at ikaw ang binigay Niyang agabay sa lakbaying ito.

 

Ating sariwain mga alaalang ninanais nating sa isipan nawa ay maglahong parang bula

Ituon ang paggunita sa grasya ng Diyos, huwag sa mga gawang ating ikinakahiya

Hindi ba't labis-labis ang pag-ibig ng Diyos at tayo ay umabot pa ng isang dekada

At patuloy pa ang paghubog Niya sa atin upang ang gayong karanasan ay di na maulit pa.

 

Ating sariwain mga nakakatawang eksena, teka at mukhang sa talatang ito ako ang madidisgrasya

Simulan ko na lang sa mga eksenang 'sun block' na maging ang Beloved Tulips ay sasaya

At sa aking pagkadaluhasa sa basketball ang 'Kahwi' at 'PHL' ay may hatid na tawa

Wala na akong maalala, malabang karamihan ay pinilit kong kalimutan 'pagkat ako ang kawawa.

 

Ating sariwain din ang paninilbihan sa ubasan ng ating Diyos na kasama ka ay aking pribilehiyo

Kagalakan ko ang kaagabay mo noon bilang 'pastor's wife' hanggang ngayong tayo ay layko

Pagkat paulit-ulit kong sasambitin na nais kong manguna akong makasaksi

Sa pangungusap at paggamit ng Diyos sa'yo na ang pagkamangha ay di ko maiwaksi.

 

Ating sariwain mga panahong tayo ay kapos subalit ang Diyos ay hindi nagpabaya

Mga biyayang hindi natin mawari at kusang ipagkakaloob Niya

Hindi ba't sa mga panahong tayong dalawa na lamang ang nagdadamayan, tayo ay susuko

At tsaka natin matatanto na ang Diyos ang yumakap sa akin at sa iyo.

 

Ating sariwain iba't-ibang lugar na napuntahan na malamang ay madaragdagan kung wala lang pandemya

Kulang na nga ang ating mesa sa mga susunod pang buhangin at batong iuuwi sa maleta

Maging ang mga t-shirt natin ay patunay ng lakbaying naitala sa isang dekadang tayo'y magkasama

Papuri sa Diyos lamang ang aking sambit ngayong inaalala ang mga ito habang sa'yo ay nakatulala.

 

Tunay ngang hindi perpekto ang isang dekadang pag-iisang dibdib na ito

Subalit maniwala kang masaya ako at ikaw ang ipinagkaloob na kabiyak ng aking puso

Hindi ko mawari kung sino ang Anna na haharap sa Diyos sa oras na ito

Kung hindi sa pangunguna, paggabay at komplementaryong hakbangin mo kasama ako.

 

Ikaw at ako, sa susunod pang dekada. Hawak-kamay tayong maninilbihan sa Diyos nating dakila.

Ikaw at ako, sa susunod pang dekada. Sabay na luluhod sa Ama sa ating pagsamba man o pangamba.

Ikaw at ako, sa susunod pang dekada. Aawit sa Panginoon, kaakibat man ay luha o tawa.

Ikaw at ako, sa susunod pang dekada. Sa grasyang biyaya Niya, 'united in single passion' tiyak pa.

Mahal Kong Nard

Marami na ang unos na ating pinagdaanan
At ilang beses na ang desisyong sukuan
Hindi ko lubos maisip ano ang ating kinasaglakan
Ang mga nakaraa’y puno ng kapihagtian
Labis ang sakit na ating nakamtan

Kapiraso na lang sa alaala ang ating halakhak
O di kaya ay bilang sa isang buwan ang araw na may galak
Nais kong ipahayag pa rin aking pasasalamat
Ginawad ng Maykapal sa akin ang kabiyak na tapat

Nakakalimot man tayo dahil sa mga dunos at bagyo
Aalalay pa rin ako sa’yo; itatawid Niya tayo
Regalo ka mula sa Diyos; pinapahalagahang lubos
Di kita iiwan ‘pagkat binigkis tayo ng Makapangyarihang Diyos

 

Prayer on my 37th

I still don't know what tomorrow would bring
Increase my faith and to the cross let me cling
You have been faithful and wonderful to me for all these years
How can I thank you with words when I'm beyond tears

Let me live this life for Your glory
Forgive me for I have been full of worry
Restore in me a steadfast spirit and let me live for You
For if I would shame You then going home I'll gladly love to

My eyes are Yours, let them see Your beauty
My ears are Yours, let them hear Your words
My mouth is Yours, let me speak of Your greatness
My hands are Yours, let me serve You dearly
My feet are Yours, let me walk with You faithfully
My heart is Yours, let me love You unconditionally
My whole me is Yours, let me live for Your glory

To You my God, I recommit this life
To You my Lord, I renew my commitment
To You my King, I rededicate my service
To You my First Love, I rekindle my passion

Let me live this another year for You and You alone
Let me be, Father. Holy Spirit, my God, enable me. In Jesus' sweetest Name, Amen.

Image not mine; ctto

Gems from "Great is Thy Faithfulness" Hymn

It was last February when I blogged about still waiting of my pregnancy after series of medical helps. I'm still waiting and though, I think, disappointments intensify as I feel those very familiar pain in my tummy month after month, GOD's grace abounds all the more to reach me in my deepest pit. 

God did again just today. After praying, my husband Bernard called for words he knows I need and then this hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness, plays in my cellphone. The song appears to be so new to me that it pushes me for a meditation and be strengthened again. Below are the gems I found:


Who are You today, God?
The GOD I met in the Old Testament
The GOD I read in the New Testament
Still the same GOD I behold today
Never will I turn my back away from You
You are the same yesterday, today and forever

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

What do I have today, God?
Never I lack of things I need in my existence
Your unfathomable wisdom guides my provision
By your new mercies every morning You bestow them to me
What I have today, I trust and thank Thee
These are the things You know I need; thus, enough for me

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Who are with me today, God?
Your Word tells me that heavens declare Your glory
The nature never gets weary demonstrating Your power
Birds in the sky never get hungry; newborn wilds are nursed by You
Unseen hence unappreciated beautiful creations still sing of Your love
I will then join in their mighty chorus in adoration of You

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Can I still hold on today, God?
You delighted to be called my Emmanuel, my GOD who is with us
Why then is my soul downcast within me? Rise and feel His presence
Amidst this scourging storm, be still and know GOD
Can I think of a day He left my side to comfort and cheer me up?
Praise be to God, the God of all comfort who never leaves His child

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

I Will Worship while I Wait

Just last week, Feb 20, I was given an honor to lecture about "Wonders of Worshiping while Waiting" among youths in our district. Though the title of this post seems to be like that, I will delay my post about that lecture for the meantime for I wanna testify first about what is happening to me lately.

Last December 8, 2013 I blogged about learning the conditions of my reproductive organs and the surgery I will undergo. Then on December 1, 2014, I posted about the recurrence of the blockage in my right fallopian tube nine months after I underwent that surgery. I was then advised to pray that I should conceive not later than February 2015 or else, dysmennorhea may thicken my uterus lining again (thus, worsening my endometriosis and adenomyosis) and may even welcome again the chocolate cysts in my right ovary.

Series of ultrasound are done to monitor my follicle development and I was given much hope whenever I am positive for follicles with or without the help of Letrozole. I was advised to take Mefenamic or Ibuprofen to minimize if not eradicate the pain during menstruation. And even though, month after month I was undergoing the cycle of hope and disappointment, GOD's grace envelopes my heart all throughout. Thank GOD I am His child and I have the Father in heaven who is ever there to soothe my heart  when it encounters raging storms.

Tonight is different from my previous experiences. Usually, two days before my menstruation, I am warned by dysmenorrhea. I usually have my period on my 27th or 28th day of my cycle. And for this month, on my 26th, I was already anxious of what would happen on my 27th. I experienced nothing. I was not sure whether I should be happy or not. Morning of my 28th, still nothing. And here comes around lunchtime, I called my husband for a pain I felt and when I got home for lunch that time, there was already some little spotting. So I prepared myself for another period.

However, no more blood flowed after that spotting. Though there was this minimal pain, I don't know whether I already need to take med or the spotting was not menstruation (ma-feeling me). On my 29th, today, I experienced the worst dysmenorrhea I ever had. This pain actually accompanies me while I'm penning this.

Tomorrow is February 28, the last day of February and the deadline set by my OB-Gyn for conception. I don't know what awaits me for tomorrow. I haven't seen my OB for almost two months and I don't even have an idea of her next move. And this pain triggers my heart to fear what could be happening inside my uterus, tubes and ovaries at this moment.

There are too many "what if's" my mind is composing now. I remembered a prayer I uttered during the early morning of my 28th: "If this is it, Lord, I am too excited on how will I thank you. Maybe I couldn't find my words to express my appreciation of you." This prayer was uttered with imagination of massaging my tummy lightly.

And tonight, GOD has put a new prayer in my heart: "Whatever is the lot You will give me, LORD, I don't want to wait for that gift in order for me to express an unspeakable gratitude and worship. May my heart learn to do that while I'm still waiting."

There are times I really do imagine the joy I will feel when I think of God blessing me. I even plan how I am going to glorify God and how I am going to testify to others about God's graciousness. Why wait for that time to come and why not develop that worship in anytime of the day and in any situation I am into?

Resolved therefore that I will worship God while I'm waiting:



and that I will always remind my heart to be still and know GOD (Psalm 46:10)

Yes...I am a Sinner and I Married a Sinner

I am torn between two men I love. I don't know to whom I will give my wholehearted devotion and affection. I went to Man 1 and though his face is blurry in my sight, I know I love him much. He looks at me affectionately and I know he loves me too. Suddenly he became too busy and it seems I am not there. I try to talk to him but he lifts his hand, "wait". He then changed his mood. I suddenly feel a pain in my heart as I see him in that scenario I do not want to see. I ran crying and I found myself to Man 2, I can't see his physique. He's crying with me, wiping my tears. With his touch and look at me I can feel his love. I love this man so much too. He is so gentle and I am secured in his arms. But I ran away still. Who am I going to choose? I  know I only love a man with my whole heart. How can I love two men? 

As I was running away, I looked behind me and I saw them both running after me. I am in great struggle, crying as I don't want to choose between them. They were drawing closer and closer to me. I still can't see who is who. Suddenly, when they were few steps away from me, I just saw them merged and there was my husband infront of me, offering his hands to lift me up. I struggled to open my eyes. IT WAS A DREAM. I looked at my cell phone (December 22, 4:06 am). 

I couldn't get my sleep back since then. The dream was like a video in my mind, it kept on playing. I found myself praying and asking GOD for His grace. The message was very clear to me. I love my husband, whether he is in good shape as I wanted him to be or he is in bad shape which I fear and don't like to see. I cannot deny the fact that eventhough he is at his worst, I still love him. 

That dream made me realized that I cannot separate those weakness of him from the strength I treasure in him. I then fear myself that I may not be able to complement him when those weaknesses appear. It has been my struggle how to show my appreciation of him despite his weaknesses. I am consumed by these thoughts that I really pray I will be enabled to show how I cherish him everyday and that since June 30 of 2012, I am blessed everyday because of him.

Yes, I am a sinner saved by grace and that is why on GOD's grace I solely depend. Seeing that I myself have my own weaknesses and fearing those weaknesses remind me of a book entitled "When Sinners Say 'I Do'". I haven't read the book yet (how I wish I have one) but I love how Sovereign Grace Ministries Store introduced it and this line is striking: "But realizing the truth about our sin points us to the glory of God’s grace and power to change us." Yes, we are sinners when we exchanged vows but we know that only through Christ can we be able to live everyday displaying GOD's glory in our marriage.

I am thankful that GOD uses many ways to assure me that He is with us in this marriage. I thank GOD how He corrects me of my possible separation of my husband's strength and weakness. I smile when I read this quote from Dave Harvey, “Could it be that God already knows you are sinners, yet gives you everything you need to build a thriving marriage anyway?” That's the grace of GOD. I am thankful that GOD wrote our love story and He is still writing our married life story.

I love my husband more than anyone. In order that I may love him in a way that glorifies God, C. S. Lewis taught me how: When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. And may GOD be glorified to increase my love of Him so I may love my husband all the more.

------

While drafting this blog, my husband came home with a new tablet for me. He was thinking I am sad for my former tablet is not functioning anymore. I will write it here what I told you, Mahal: You are my treasure (next to GOD, of course) and I am happy being with you. Material things won't make me happy, you know it. GOD enables me that you will be the great source of my happiness and I will also love you increasingly until my last breath.

Husbands and wives, recognize that in marriage you have become one flesh. If you live for your private pleasure at the expense of your spouse, you are living against yourself and destroying your joy. But if you devote yourself with all your heart to the holy joy of your spouse, you will also be living for your joy and making a marriage after the image of Christ and His church. (John Piper)

Risks of my Intimacy with Unbelieving Friends

There are times when I feel the guilt of spending too much time with unbelievers and I can't have the guts to share the gospel to them. I always ask myself: Why do I love to be with him/her/them? When we had our New Testament survey in I Corinthians when I was still a youth in my home church, I learned that the very reason that you are supposed to be mingling with unbelievers is the Great Commission. If you cannot share the gospel to them, do not be yoked with them as warned by Apostle Paul in II Corinthians 6:14.

It is unavoidable to have circle of friends in our workplaces or schools. It would even be a negative testimony if we would shun them and isolate ourselves. It is often a question of up to what extend should our friendship with them be. But that is not for me to answer in this blog, I will try to enumerate some effects of having friendship with the unbelievers and the answer to our question will be answered by you yourself.

(NOTE: I don't want to impose a Pharisaic attitude here; I am also guilty of them most of the time.)

It degrades our standard of morality.

1 Corinthians 15:33 says that bad company corrupts good character. At first, their curses are stench to us. Their choice of words are unpleasant to our ears. Their topics when they converse  are alien to us. Eventually, we do curse even in our mind or even sometimes it just slips into our mouth.We communicate to them in their jargon and we know their up-to-date topics. We even sometimes lead the conversations. 

It lets us spend our time in unfruitful ways.

When I was in college, I enjoyed spending a vacant time in the woods to read a book or listen a song. Somehow, I am missing that solitude. Now I find myself, most of the time, spending vacant periods chatting with unbelieving friends. There is a very thin line between knowing the news or updates from colleagues to gossiping. I usually convince myself that I need to know what's happening in my community but sometimes I just catch myself gossiping already.

It shifts our attention away from our godly visions.

It is not only that actions and lifestyles are degraded. Even the high standards we have with our principles and convictions are compromised. Our GOD-entranced vision becomes patterned into this world. We lower our standards now and begin to love the things of this world. We may find ourselves adapting this world's definition of beauty that we forget to cultivate the inner beauty which is so precious to God (I Peter 3:3-4).

It changes our priorities.

We also change our priorities. The usual Bible/book reading becomes TV watching. Praying time becomes fb/chat/twitter/selfie/google plus/DOTA time. I also surf the net and I was rebuked on spending much time in it at night for instead of spending a quality time with my husband and with our GOD, I am there infront of the netbook. My pursuit of heavenly perspective is blurred by my pursuit to be "in" and be not left behind by my friends.

It affects our testimony.

Our testimony is also at stake. There are common sayings: "Tell me who your friends are ad I will tell you who you are." And "birds of the same feather, flock together." Not that true at all? "It depends upon the situations", you may say. Then how come that the Bible says, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" (Amos 3:3) 

Whether we face it or not, there will be eyes that may be looking up to us. How do we show that we are different from this world when we love to join the world?

Proverbs 12:26 says that the righteous choose their friends carefully. I am not into the position to judge you for having unbelieving friends, I also have mine. But I am reminding you as I ask the Lord to always remind me the level of intimacy I am supposed to give them. Heart check should also be frequently done so we will not be dragged easily into this world and not be enticed by its ways. But if we know that we are easily influenced by them, may be it is time to look for believers in your community. If you can't find one, ask the LORD to give you one.

A Blessed Night with Hubby

I and my beloved husband, Bernard, planned to go out and eat today. I thought it would be just like before, simple snacks (I was even imagining pizza because I miss it already).  What happened really put me into cloud nine. I feel so loved by GOD because of a husband like Nard.

First, I was shocked when he put on his long sleeves and tie. It was really unusual because we are used to casual clothes (often if we will dine just nearby, he wears simple shirt and shorts). I took a picture because I am really shocked; I thought he was just joking.

He looked perfectly nice. Actually, I changed clothes also because I felt so awkward being beside a very formal husband. He was teasing me when I got conscious with my dress.

We went into our wrangler and another unusual thing happened. He opened first the passenger seat's door for me and I was so surprised to see a bouquet of pink flowers (As far as I can remember, this is the very first flowers he bought for me. He knows that I am better moved by chocolates than flowers but chocolates are forbidden for me as of now.) He then took me to Casa Bella (the restaurant in our place that we so long wanted to visit).

It was our first time so we don't know what to order. We just laughed when our orders arrived and they were good for 4-5 persons. We don't know how to eat them all. We agreed to minimize eating rice so we can hopefully eat them all.

I could feel God's presence when hubby prayed. He indeed wrote this love story and the end of that story excites me more as He reveals His providence, guidance and workings in our lives as husband and wife. Pausing eating from time to time somehow gives us ample time to chat and talk about us. I miss that moment so much. Don't get me wrong because we do chat but seldom we talk with a romantic atmosphere. (hehehe) We ended that date with a takeout left-over (the steak) for we really can't have it anymore. We were so full.

This night is a night I want to be remembered not just as memorable because it is romantic. I am blogging this experience for the main reason why we are together is GOD alone. And His workings in us for the past years especially for the past days are very remarkable. In His grace we rely and His grace abounds in us.

I can feel the joy flowing in us as well as the love we have for each other because I can feel God's presence in us is so mighty and intimate. I will forever stand in awe whenever I reminisce how God worked all things together to put us together. In fact, as I am penning this blog post, he is drafting the Bible quiz questions for tomorrow's Family Day and we are joyfully sharing ideas and even laughing together at our slight memory loss in Bible trivias. 

May GOD be always pleased to keep our passion single and that as our hearts beat for each other, our hearts beat together more for the glory of GOD...alone. Hallelujah!

Still Waiting and Hoping...yet Praising GOD

image source: http://s1.hubimg.com/u/4950838_f520.jpg

Eleven months have passed since I penned this. I already underwent the laparoscopic surgery and the six-month GnRH therapy. And just last August, I underwent Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Test only to find out that the blockage in my right fallopian tube has recurred.

On my first monitoring cycle after my GnRH therapy (since during those months I stopped having my monthly period), still no follicle was found in my left ovary; instead, the OB-Gyne found a cystic follicle in my right. This follicle is larger than the normal and the moment I will have my period and will suffer dymenorrhea, it may again absorb some of the supposedly waste blood.

My OB-Gyne prescribed that I take Letrozole on my second cycle. On my 10th day, a small follicle in my left ovary (the healthy one) was found. According to my OB, it was still small because it was just my 10th day. Nonetheless, this small follicle has caused me and my husband greater joy and hope.

I had my ultrasound again last Saturday (day 17) but we need to wait for the next Saturday to meet my OB and explain the result. Analyzing it though on our own understanding and comparing the result from my previous ultrasound, there were many different results. I and my husband were left perplexed. I was worried and became anxiously waiting for Saturday. I struggled for nights because of "what if's" I created. I was hurt because of "what if's" I generated. Two sleep-deprived nights kept me seeking for the answer to "why me".

But thanks be to GOD for mending my hurt heart and filling my head with His Truth. I cannot explain the sudden change of my thoughts and feelings. It's just that GOD is so good to use varied ways to keep us on our knees and to draw us nearer unto Him. I also know that there are many people praying for me and I know that their prayers were heard. I thank GOD for these precious people He has given me and for those encouragements God gave me through them.

Now going back to the result...I still do not have the answer as of now. But I am now confident in my GOD that whatever lot He has given me, He has also taught me to sing, "It is well...It is well with my soul." Glory to GOD for His unfathomable grace and love.

If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea
If I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy
If I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound
If I am learning how to walk or when I'm falling down
I'm saying You are still my God, Still my God

In a world where so much seems uncertain
You remain hope for the strong and broken
No matter where we are; You are never far
And nothing changes who You are (Avalon, Still my God)

Reflections from Judges 4-5

By the grace of God, I am assigned to handle the adult Sunday School in Binmaley United Methodist Church. The church requested a chronological discussion of the events from the Old Testament. At first, I thought it would just be like a story telling session. However, my husband, who is our pastor also, challenged me to share some reflections from the stories tackled.

We are now in the book of Judges and awhile ago, we discussed Judges chapters 4-5. It was the story of Deborah. I know the story since I was a kid but I appreciate the story more now. Indeed, you will enjoy being a learner if you are the teacher because the Holy Spirit is the One guiding you to understand the Bible. I thank GOD for His guidance as well as His wisdom as I prepared the lesson.

I am blogging it today because I would like it to be recorded so I won't also forget these insights in the near future.

INSIGHT #1: The story of Deborah is not an issue of the "girl power".

Many feminists are using this story as an example of a woman leader and even a woman overpowering a man. But we can see here that in Judges 4:3, the Israelites were under the oppression of the Canaanites and in verse 4, here comes Deborah introduced as a prophetess leading/judging Israel that time. And her task was to settle disputes among Israelites (verse 5).

She was not raised as a judge like the judges before her; that is as a deliverer of the Israelites againsts oppressors. In fact, when it was time to liberate Israel, the Lord ordered her to send a man in the person of Barak to do that task (vv.6-7).

Yes, Barak was hesitant to do the task and he asked for the company of Deborah (v.8).  And when Deborah said that as a result of Barak's hesistance, the honor will be given to a woman (v.9), she was not talking about herself either (see 4:21). Moreover, Deborah's name was not mentioned during the battle and pursuit with Sisera; it was Barak who advanced (v.15) and pursued Sisera (v.22).

In my analysis, verse 9 was just a rebuke to Barak because he hesitated to do a task as a man leading/delivering Israel. There are too many women rising to do the task of being leaders and heads because godly men fail to do their God-given task of doing so. If you are a man reading this blog, may you not wait for God to raise a Deborah because you are not doing your God-given task. If you are a man being called by God into the pastoral ministry, may you not wait for God to raise a Deborah to lead His church.

INSIGHT #2: If GOD calls you into a mission, He goes ahead of you.

We are sometimes afraid to do a mission or a ministry eventhough we know that God calls us into that work. What we are forgetting is that when Moses hesitated to go back to Egypt and free his brothers from slavery, God had answers to every excuses he made. He was then told that his brother Aaron has been notified to help him. That means God had already gone to Egypt and had been working already there even before He called Moses into that mission.

Deborah assured Barak in verse 14, "Has not the LORD gone ahead of you?"


INSIGHT #3: The LORD Himself will fight for you.

When we say "yes" to God, He will not just guide us, He will fight for us. When Barak and his army advanced, the LORD routed Sisera (v.15). How I love those words! The LORD was fighting for them and this insight leads us to number 4.

INSIGHT #4: Victory doesn't depend on what you have.

It was recorded that whenever Sisera was described, his 900 iron chariots was always recorded as well (vv.3, 13). But what happened to those 900 iron chariots? Verse 15 says that Sisera and his army abandoned their chariots and fled on foot.

It was the Canaanites' advantage yet it was nothing in the hands of God. Ministry, mission or even victory in any situation doesn't depend on us and what we have, it is always in the hands of God.

INSIGHT #5:  Lessons from the life of Jael


a) She knows who the God of Israel is and she treasures GOD more that earthly alliance with the enemies. 

She knows the friendly relation between King Jabin of Canaan and her husband Heber. She knows the favor her family might receive from the king and she knows the punishment of what she did if ever Canaan would not fallinto the hands of the Israelites. But I guess, she knows the God of Israel and she treasures Him more and fears Him more. As a result, she was called "most blessed women...most blessed of tent-dwelling women."

b) The daily tasks she does lead her to do a mighty work

She was left in their tent, most probably doing her everyday task. Maybe that includes showing hospitality to visitors, most probably Sisera had been one of them too. And in that day, where it could be one of her ordinary days, a mighty task of delivering Israel against an enemy becomes her task. She was the woman prophesied by Deborah in verse 9.

We don't need to look for a greater opportunity just to serve the Lord. We don't need to wait for a mission rally just to do a ministry. Let us be faithful in our everyday task, in our daily job, and we may not expect that one of those ordinary days can be an extraordinary mission for the Lord.

c) She exceeds ordinary hospitality

Deborah praised Jael's hospitality in 5:25. And that is a challenge for me. How will I surpass a normal way of showing kindness, of love, of hospitality, of service to others? How about if that is towards an enemy? I remember the quote we kept on telling to ourselves during Christmas camp when I was still in the youth fellowship: "Wag na wag kang papayag na may mas mabait sa'yo." [Do not let someone be more kind than you.]

The picture of how Elisabeth Elliot can forgive, can serve and can love the very person who killed her husband comes into my mind. May the grace of GOD help me exceed what is natural and ordinary to others.

Help! I'm just too emotional...

https://drawingfromexperienceblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/downcast.jpg

Sometimes, emotions are the very things that shatter our world. I find it easy advising people about not being driven away by their emotions and to still cling unto God and decide/do things that are God-glorifying. However, when I'm also into the deepest pit of struggle with my emotions, I find my advice so idealistic. So I'm penning this short post to let readers know that you are not alone in this struggle and for me to have something to read again to remind myself of God's faithfulness in my life.

Below are some helpful ways to overcome negative emotions:

Listen to songs that exalt GOD.

I do not merely say that you listen to songs. There are sentimental songs that worsen the situation; that instead of encouraging you, they even pamper the negative emotions. So I made sure that I listen to songs that are GOD-centered in order for me to see that GOD is far greater powerful than whatever struggles I have. In that way also, the blurring vision of who GOD is in my life becomes clearer. I am reminded that whatever action/s I am about to do will reflect my testimony of who GOD is in my life. I used to believe the lie that when a woman is in pain, her actions are justifiable. Believe me, consequences of actions initiated by being too emotional are far more painful than what you have been through. There will be regrets and lots of "I wish...".

Fill your head and heart with the Words of GOD.

*Listen to audio sermons

Instead of staring at the ceiling or pounding your pillows, try to listen to audio sermons that will again magnify the greatness of GOD. There are times that breaking us more will make us whole again. And when I listen, I really choose preachers who will not tell me what I want to hear, I choose those who will tell me what I really need to hear.

*Read the Bible.

If there are no available e-sermons, reading the Bible is very helpful too. I love reading Psalms during my "downs". I love meeting David that in times of his depression and while he is in his deepest pit, he is still able to tell himself to put his hope in God for he will still praise Him (Psalm 42:5-6, 11; 43:5).

Talk and pray with a friend.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up." The book of Proverbs even defines friend as someone who loves at all times and who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 17:17; 18:24). Go to a friend who loves Christ more that you - that is the friend you need. He/She is the one who may wound/break you more but can be trusted (Prov.27:6). Go to a friend who has greater passion for God's glory because he/she will be more concern of magnifying Christ in you than empowering your ego. He/She will help you to look on God and not on yourself; he/she will help you let go and let God.

Be still and know God. (Psalm 46:10)

Have you tried doing the third tip and still find yourself in a maze? There are times that the struggle is beyond words that you couldn't explain to a friend what you are going through. There are times that even you, yourself, couldn't understand the negative feelings that envelope you. There are times that you can even utter that you don't know yourself anymore.

That is possible to happen but not impossible to overcome. God knows us more that we know ourselves; God understands. He is still the Bestfriend we can have. If times come that I think I'm alone, I always remind myself I am not. What a great relationship and privilege we have if we entrust God our everything! We can cry and utter words beyond comprehension and we are assured that He listens, that He understands. It is comforting that even what we can just say is "Abba, Father", God in His Sovereignty will make all things beautiful in His time.

I guess this is the secret of King David as he is known as the "man after God's heart". He knows His God so much that even when he doesn't understand what he is undergoing, He just needs to immerse Himself in the presence of God and so he can confidently say "I will still praise the Lord." Just be still and know God. Calm that heart and know God. If you still think that your heart is more powerful than your will to calm it, don't listen to it still. John comforts us in his letter that our God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything. (I John 3:20) If Jesus can calm the storm and the raging sea, how much more can He tame a wild heart? How much more can He soothe a hurt heart? How much more can He mend a broken heart? How much more can He lift a depressed/discouraged heart?

I want to quote John Piper before I end this:

“My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth.”  

Let us pray that when negative feelings are there, our minds and eyes will still be focused on God. Great is God's faithfulness. I have proven that over and over again.

When I am into a situation I think I can't bear, I just sing:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

My feelings are changing; they are not constant. My GOD is eternal and great. 

I just want ro share a very encouraging song by Joni Eareckson Tada:

When the Waiting Is Not Yet Over

photo source: http://www.judydouglass.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/waiting.jpg

It was six months ago when I posted my last article here. It is kinda disappointing on my part that I find no time updating my blog. Nonetheless, I thank GOD for giving  another reason for me to indeed find a time to start penning this article.

Last February 13, 2011, I posted an article entitled While True Love Is Waiting. After a year, true lovers exchanged vows and I thought the waiting was over. I was wrong.

We are now married for 17 months and 9 days. We agreed that after a year of being married and there was no baby yet, we would seek a doctor's help for fertility workout. It was last October when we had our check-ups. And now, just in two months I met three (3) obstetricians/gynecologists. My first OB found a cyst on my right ovary. Seeking a second opinion, my second OB actually found out that I have two cysts on my right ovary and a possible blocked right fallopian tube. I was then referred to my third OB whose only option is for me to undergo laparoscopic surgery and series of medication for 3-6 months more before inducing me for an ovulation. 

Just few minutes before going to school for work this morning, my husband hugged me. It was an unusual hug so I inquired why. He sought his cousin's (who is a doctor) help for another opinion. And I learned from her friend who is also an OB that I should conceive within 3-4 months after the long process of medication or there is a possibility that my cysts would come back. However, chances of conceiving is very low still according to her.

I don't know what to react from the news. But one thing is a clear effect on me, I was unable to attend my classes this morning. Thoughts and a lot of them flooded my mind. My husband was worried with how I would accept that possibility of not conceiving. I told my husband that I am prepared ever since that there was a possibility that I would not conceive my own children; but the reason at that time was because I already accepted that I might have the gift of celibacy. (I had my first boyfriend when I was 29, got married when I was 30.) I added that I am more worried with him but his response is enough for me to know that he indeed knows our GOD. And thanks be to GOD for a husband who loves my GOD more than me. 

And here I am again, penning this trial I and my husband face. I want this to be a document I will re-read few years from now. I don't know what awaits us in the next few months/years. My GOD has proven that HE knows better than I - I thought I would be good teacher in tertiary level but He brought me to secondary level; I thought I would be good in the private sector, He brought me to the public sector; I thought I would be His good servant as celibate, but He brought me to being a wife, a pastor's wife. There are lots of "I thought...-but He..." scenarios I can write here. In the end, I am always thankful that a very loving and faithful GOD directs my life.

Whatever His will is, may I and Bernard glorify Him more by enjoying whatever lot God prepares for us. I still seek the brethren's prayer most especially for our hearts. There will be no more unbearable and more disappointing in me than a moment I will question or even doubt His Sovereignty. So please join us in prayer.