Still Waiting and Hoping...yet Praising GOD

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Eleven months have passed since I penned this. I already underwent the laparoscopic surgery and the six-month GnRH therapy. And just last August, I underwent Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) Test only to find out that the blockage in my right fallopian tube has recurred.

On my first monitoring cycle after my GnRH therapy (since during those months I stopped having my monthly period), still no follicle was found in my left ovary; instead, the OB-Gyne found a cystic follicle in my right. This follicle is larger than the normal and the moment I will have my period and will suffer dymenorrhea, it may again absorb some of the supposedly waste blood.

My OB-Gyne prescribed that I take Letrozole on my second cycle. On my 10th day, a small follicle in my left ovary (the healthy one) was found. According to my OB, it was still small because it was just my 10th day. Nonetheless, this small follicle has caused me and my husband greater joy and hope.

I had my ultrasound again last Saturday (day 17) but we need to wait for the next Saturday to meet my OB and explain the result. Analyzing it though on our own understanding and comparing the result from my previous ultrasound, there were many different results. I and my husband were left perplexed. I was worried and became anxiously waiting for Saturday. I struggled for nights because of "what if's" I created. I was hurt because of "what if's" I generated. Two sleep-deprived nights kept me seeking for the answer to "why me".

But thanks be to GOD for mending my hurt heart and filling my head with His Truth. I cannot explain the sudden change of my thoughts and feelings. It's just that GOD is so good to use varied ways to keep us on our knees and to draw us nearer unto Him. I also know that there are many people praying for me and I know that their prayers were heard. I thank GOD for these precious people He has given me and for those encouragements God gave me through them.

Now going back to the result...I still do not have the answer as of now. But I am now confident in my GOD that whatever lot He has given me, He has also taught me to sing, "It is well...It is well with my soul." Glory to GOD for His unfathomable grace and love.

If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea
If I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy
If I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound
If I am learning how to walk or when I'm falling down
I'm saying You are still my God, Still my God

In a world where so much seems uncertain
You remain hope for the strong and broken
No matter where we are; You are never far
And nothing changes who You are (Avalon, Still my God)

Reflections from Judges 4-5

By the grace of God, I am assigned to handle the adult Sunday School in Binmaley United Methodist Church. The church requested a chronological discussion of the events from the Old Testament. At first, I thought it would just be like a story telling session. However, my husband, who is our pastor also, challenged me to share some reflections from the stories tackled.

We are now in the book of Judges and awhile ago, we discussed Judges chapters 4-5. It was the story of Deborah. I know the story since I was a kid but I appreciate the story more now. Indeed, you will enjoy being a learner if you are the teacher because the Holy Spirit is the One guiding you to understand the Bible. I thank GOD for His guidance as well as His wisdom as I prepared the lesson.

I am blogging it today because I would like it to be recorded so I won't also forget these insights in the near future.

INSIGHT #1: The story of Deborah is not an issue of the "girl power".

Many feminists are using this story as an example of a woman leader and even a woman overpowering a man. But we can see here that in Judges 4:3, the Israelites were under the oppression of the Canaanites and in verse 4, here comes Deborah introduced as a prophetess leading/judging Israel that time. And her task was to settle disputes among Israelites (verse 5).

She was not raised as a judge like the judges before her; that is as a deliverer of the Israelites againsts oppressors. In fact, when it was time to liberate Israel, the Lord ordered her to send a man in the person of Barak to do that task (vv.6-7).

Yes, Barak was hesitant to do the task and he asked for the company of Deborah (v.8).  And when Deborah said that as a result of Barak's hesistance, the honor will be given to a woman (v.9), she was not talking about herself either (see 4:21). Moreover, Deborah's name was not mentioned during the battle and pursuit with Sisera; it was Barak who advanced (v.15) and pursued Sisera (v.22).

In my analysis, verse 9 was just a rebuke to Barak because he hesitated to do a task as a man leading/delivering Israel. There are too many women rising to do the task of being leaders and heads because godly men fail to do their God-given task of doing so. If you are a man reading this blog, may you not wait for God to raise a Deborah because you are not doing your God-given task. If you are a man being called by God into the pastoral ministry, may you not wait for God to raise a Deborah to lead His church.

INSIGHT #2: If GOD calls you into a mission, He goes ahead of you.

We are sometimes afraid to do a mission or a ministry eventhough we know that God calls us into that work. What we are forgetting is that when Moses hesitated to go back to Egypt and free his brothers from slavery, God had answers to every excuses he made. He was then told that his brother Aaron has been notified to help him. That means God had already gone to Egypt and had been working already there even before He called Moses into that mission.

Deborah assured Barak in verse 14, "Has not the LORD gone ahead of you?"


INSIGHT #3: The LORD Himself will fight for you.

When we say "yes" to God, He will not just guide us, He will fight for us. When Barak and his army advanced, the LORD routed Sisera (v.15). How I love those words! The LORD was fighting for them and this insight leads us to number 4.

INSIGHT #4: Victory doesn't depend on what you have.

It was recorded that whenever Sisera was described, his 900 iron chariots was always recorded as well (vv.3, 13). But what happened to those 900 iron chariots? Verse 15 says that Sisera and his army abandoned their chariots and fled on foot.

It was the Canaanites' advantage yet it was nothing in the hands of God. Ministry, mission or even victory in any situation doesn't depend on us and what we have, it is always in the hands of God.

INSIGHT #5:  Lessons from the life of Jael


a) She knows who the God of Israel is and she treasures GOD more that earthly alliance with the enemies. 

She knows the friendly relation between King Jabin of Canaan and her husband Heber. She knows the favor her family might receive from the king and she knows the punishment of what she did if ever Canaan would not fallinto the hands of the Israelites. But I guess, she knows the God of Israel and she treasures Him more and fears Him more. As a result, she was called "most blessed women...most blessed of tent-dwelling women."

b) The daily tasks she does lead her to do a mighty work

She was left in their tent, most probably doing her everyday task. Maybe that includes showing hospitality to visitors, most probably Sisera had been one of them too. And in that day, where it could be one of her ordinary days, a mighty task of delivering Israel against an enemy becomes her task. She was the woman prophesied by Deborah in verse 9.

We don't need to look for a greater opportunity just to serve the Lord. We don't need to wait for a mission rally just to do a ministry. Let us be faithful in our everyday task, in our daily job, and we may not expect that one of those ordinary days can be an extraordinary mission for the Lord.

c) She exceeds ordinary hospitality

Deborah praised Jael's hospitality in 5:25. And that is a challenge for me. How will I surpass a normal way of showing kindness, of love, of hospitality, of service to others? How about if that is towards an enemy? I remember the quote we kept on telling to ourselves during Christmas camp when I was still in the youth fellowship: "Wag na wag kang papayag na may mas mabait sa'yo." [Do not let someone be more kind than you.]

The picture of how Elisabeth Elliot can forgive, can serve and can love the very person who killed her husband comes into my mind. May the grace of GOD help me exceed what is natural and ordinary to others.

Help! I'm just too emotional...

https://drawingfromexperienceblog.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/downcast.jpg

Sometimes, emotions are the very things that shatter our world. I find it easy advising people about not being driven away by their emotions and to still cling unto God and decide/do things that are God-glorifying. However, when I'm also into the deepest pit of struggle with my emotions, I find my advice so idealistic. So I'm penning this short post to let readers know that you are not alone in this struggle and for me to have something to read again to remind myself of God's faithfulness in my life.

Below are some helpful ways to overcome negative emotions:

Listen to songs that exalt GOD.

I do not merely say that you listen to songs. There are sentimental songs that worsen the situation; that instead of encouraging you, they even pamper the negative emotions. So I made sure that I listen to songs that are GOD-centered in order for me to see that GOD is far greater powerful than whatever struggles I have. In that way also, the blurring vision of who GOD is in my life becomes clearer. I am reminded that whatever action/s I am about to do will reflect my testimony of who GOD is in my life. I used to believe the lie that when a woman is in pain, her actions are justifiable. Believe me, consequences of actions initiated by being too emotional are far more painful than what you have been through. There will be regrets and lots of "I wish...".

Fill your head and heart with the Words of GOD.

*Listen to audio sermons

Instead of staring at the ceiling or pounding your pillows, try to listen to audio sermons that will again magnify the greatness of GOD. There are times that breaking us more will make us whole again. And when I listen, I really choose preachers who will not tell me what I want to hear, I choose those who will tell me what I really need to hear.

*Read the Bible.

If there are no available e-sermons, reading the Bible is very helpful too. I love reading Psalms during my "downs". I love meeting David that in times of his depression and while he is in his deepest pit, he is still able to tell himself to put his hope in God for he will still praise Him (Psalm 42:5-6, 11; 43:5).

Talk and pray with a friend.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says, "If one falls down, his friend can help him up." The book of Proverbs even defines friend as someone who loves at all times and who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 17:17; 18:24). Go to a friend who loves Christ more that you - that is the friend you need. He/She is the one who may wound/break you more but can be trusted (Prov.27:6). Go to a friend who has greater passion for God's glory because he/she will be more concern of magnifying Christ in you than empowering your ego. He/She will help you to look on God and not on yourself; he/she will help you let go and let God.

Be still and know God. (Psalm 46:10)

Have you tried doing the third tip and still find yourself in a maze? There are times that the struggle is beyond words that you couldn't explain to a friend what you are going through. There are times that even you, yourself, couldn't understand the negative feelings that envelope you. There are times that you can even utter that you don't know yourself anymore.

That is possible to happen but not impossible to overcome. God knows us more that we know ourselves; God understands. He is still the Bestfriend we can have. If times come that I think I'm alone, I always remind myself I am not. What a great relationship and privilege we have if we entrust God our everything! We can cry and utter words beyond comprehension and we are assured that He listens, that He understands. It is comforting that even what we can just say is "Abba, Father", God in His Sovereignty will make all things beautiful in His time.

I guess this is the secret of King David as he is known as the "man after God's heart". He knows His God so much that even when he doesn't understand what he is undergoing, He just needs to immerse Himself in the presence of God and so he can confidently say "I will still praise the Lord." Just be still and know God. Calm that heart and know God. If you still think that your heart is more powerful than your will to calm it, don't listen to it still. John comforts us in his letter that our God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything. (I John 3:20) If Jesus can calm the storm and the raging sea, how much more can He tame a wild heart? How much more can He soothe a hurt heart? How much more can He mend a broken heart? How much more can He lift a depressed/discouraged heart?

I want to quote John Piper before I end this:

“My feelings are not God. God is God. My feelings do not define truth. God’s word defines truth. My feelings are echoes and responses to what my mind perceives. And sometimes - many times - my feelings are out of sync with the truth. When that happens - and it happens every day in some measure - I try not to bend the truth to justify my imperfect feelings, but rather, I plead with God: Purify my perceptions of your truth and transform my feelings so that they are in sync with the truth.”  

Let us pray that when negative feelings are there, our minds and eyes will still be focused on God. Great is God's faithfulness. I have proven that over and over again.

When I am into a situation I think I can't bear, I just sing:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

My feelings are changing; they are not constant. My GOD is eternal and great. 

I just want ro share a very encouraging song by Joni Eareckson Tada:

When the Waiting Is Not Yet Over

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It was six months ago when I posted my last article here. It is kinda disappointing on my part that I find no time updating my blog. Nonetheless, I thank GOD for giving  another reason for me to indeed find a time to start penning this article.

Last February 13, 2011, I posted an article entitled While True Love Is Waiting. After a year, true lovers exchanged vows and I thought the waiting was over. I was wrong.

We are now married for 17 months and 9 days. We agreed that after a year of being married and there was no baby yet, we would seek a doctor's help for fertility workout. It was last October when we had our check-ups. And now, just in two months I met three (3) obstetricians/gynecologists. My first OB found a cyst on my right ovary. Seeking a second opinion, my second OB actually found out that I have two cysts on my right ovary and a possible blocked right fallopian tube. I was then referred to my third OB whose only option is for me to undergo laparoscopic surgery and series of medication for 3-6 months more before inducing me for an ovulation. 

Just few minutes before going to school for work this morning, my husband hugged me. It was an unusual hug so I inquired why. He sought his cousin's (who is a doctor) help for another opinion. And I learned from her friend who is also an OB that I should conceive within 3-4 months after the long process of medication or there is a possibility that my cysts would come back. However, chances of conceiving is very low still according to her.

I don't know what to react from the news. But one thing is a clear effect on me, I was unable to attend my classes this morning. Thoughts and a lot of them flooded my mind. My husband was worried with how I would accept that possibility of not conceiving. I told my husband that I am prepared ever since that there was a possibility that I would not conceive my own children; but the reason at that time was because I already accepted that I might have the gift of celibacy. (I had my first boyfriend when I was 29, got married when I was 30.) I added that I am more worried with him but his response is enough for me to know that he indeed knows our GOD. And thanks be to GOD for a husband who loves my GOD more than me. 

And here I am again, penning this trial I and my husband face. I want this to be a document I will re-read few years from now. I don't know what awaits us in the next few months/years. My GOD has proven that HE knows better than I - I thought I would be good teacher in tertiary level but He brought me to secondary level; I thought I would be good in the private sector, He brought me to the public sector; I thought I would be His good servant as celibate, but He brought me to being a wife, a pastor's wife. There are lots of "I thought...-but He..." scenarios I can write here. In the end, I am always thankful that a very loving and faithful GOD directs my life.

Whatever His will is, may I and Bernard glorify Him more by enjoying whatever lot God prepares for us. I still seek the brethren's prayer most especially for our hearts. There will be no more unbearable and more disappointing in me than a moment I will question or even doubt His Sovereignty. So please join us in prayer.